Better Check Your Calendar
by Ilex the Elder
Summary: Professor Oak gets an interesting surprise in the mail...and Tracey had better have a good lawyer.


Tracey was busy going through his morning routine of checking the mail when Professor Oak came into the lab. 

"Morning, Tracey. Anything interesting in the mail today?"

"Not much," the boy replied. "Just the usual sales pitches from companies selling lab equipment and…hey, what's this?" Tracey picked up a flat package wrapped in plain brown paper and opened it. 

"What is it, Tracey?" Professor Oak asked as he walked over to his red-faced assistant.

"Take a look at this, Professor," Tracey said, handing his boss what appeared to be a calendar.

Professor Oak's eyebrows shot up. "_Hot Hunks of Kanto_?!"

Tracey inspected the brown paper wrapping. "There's no return address. Wonder who in the world would be sending you something like this?"

"Check out the best that Kanto has to offer. Inside this calendar are some of the hottest gym leaders and men guaranteed to make you want take a trip to Kanto," Professor Oak read off of the inside cover. He then flipped to the first page.

"So who's Mister January?" Tracey asked when he saw the shocked expression on his boss's face.

"See for yourself," Professor Oak replied, handing the boy the calendar.

Peering up from the page was none other than Viridian City Gym Leader Giovanni, dressed in an expensive green silk robe. He was sitting on a couch in front of a crackling fireplace, proffering the viewer a glass of champagne in either a toast to the New Year or a gesture of seduction.

"Won't you join me in welcoming the New Year?" Tracey read the caption underneath the picture. 

The boy turned the page to the next month and died laughing. "Oh no! I don't believe it!" 

Mister February was none other than Brock, dressed in a cupid's outfit, holding a bow and arrow.

"I want to be your Valentine," Professor Oak read the caption. 

"Oh man, I've gotta save this for Ash and Misty the next time they stop by!" Tracey said, wiping the tears of laughter out of his eyes. "Come on, let's see who's next."

"Looks like it's Lieutenant Surge," replied Professor Oak.

"Lieutenant…oh, I get it. Lieutenant…March. Ha-ha!" Tracey stopped laughing when he saw that Lieutenant Surge was wearing nothing but a pair of military boots and holding an enlarged Thunder Badge in a strategic location. "Let me electrify you" was the caption underneath the picture.

"That's really…shocking," said a wide-eyed Tracey.

He turned to the next month to reveal Fuchsia City Gym Leader Koga, who was bare-chested and in the middle of a martial arts workout. Mister May was Elite Four's Master Bruno astride his Onix in a very suggestive pose.

"Wow, I knew his Onix was big, but I didn't realize it was _that _big," said an astonished Tracey.

Next month's picture was of Cinnabar Island's Gym Leader, Blaine. Arms folded across his bare chest in a defiant pose, he was surrounded on all sides by flames. "Red-hot and ready," was the caption underneath.

"I didn't realize there were so many exhibitionists in Kanto," said Professor Oak. "Who's the next desperate fellow, Tracey?"

Tracey turned to July and his face turned crimson. "Uh…it's nobody we know, Professor." He quickly shut the calendar and hopped off his chair. "Anyway, I think it's time to go feed the Pokemon."

Professor Oak caught the boy by his shirt collar. "Hang on just a minute, Tracey." He opened the calendar to July and nearly fell off of his chair. Mister July was none other than Professor Oak himself, standing in the middle of his lab dressed in only a pair of boxer shorts. "Tha…that's me! How in the world did this…this picture of me get in this calendar?!"

Tracey, who by now had freed himself from his boss's grasp, tried to make a break for the door.

"LET ME PERFORM SOME RESEARCH WITH YOU?!" Professor Oak choked as he read the caption underneath the picture. "TRACEY!!!"

Tracey, who had almost made it to the door, stopped in his tracks at the sound of his boss's yelling.

"Uh….yes, Professor?" Tracey said nervously as he turned around.

"Tracey," Professor Oak said with an air of deadly calm, "There were only two of us in the lab that day when Alakazam teleported my clothes off - you and me. And I know that _I_ wasn't the one taking pictures of myself in my underwear."

"Uh…Professor, I'm feeling a little faint," said a shaking Tracey. "I think I'd better go outside and get some fresh air."

"You're going to be feeling much worse if you don't tell me how this picture of me in my underwear got in this calendar," said Professor Oak, eyes blazing. "Now unless you want to be my next test subject in my research involving pain perception induced by multiple blows from my fists, you're going to sit down and tell me how this picture got into this calendar."

Tracey dropped to his knees. "I'm sorry, Professor! I'm so sorry! I was videotaping the experiment with Alakazam and I…I thought the tape was pretty funny, so I…I…I put it on the internet!"

"You did WHAT?!"

"Please don't kill me!" Tracey begged. "There was this contest on the internet for the funniest video, so I submitted it."

"Without my permission, might I add!" snapped Professor Oak.

"But…but it came in eighteenth out of over five hundred entries! That's really good, Professor! You ought to be proud."

"Do you see me smiling, Tracey?!"

The boy gulped. "Uh…no."

"And you still haven't explained to me how this picture made it into the calendar!"

"I…I don't know, Professor. Someone must've made a screenshot of that piece of video of you in your underwear. Maybe they got it off of that web site." 

"Web site? What web site?"

"Uh, Professor…can I please go get some fresh air?" pleaded Tracey, who was now looking a bit pale. "I think I'm gonna pass out."

"Go ahead and faint, Tracey. I'll have one of the electric Pokemon Thundershock you until your eyeballs pop out of that thick skull of yours. Either that or else I might perform a little experimental surgery on you while you're unconscious."

"Professor, you wouldn't…"

"Try me, Tracey."

Tracey turned deathly pale at the expression on his boss's face.

"Now tell me about this web site you just mentioned. Better still, why don't you show me." Professor Oak dragged Tracey to the computer sitting on his desk. 

"Professor, I don't think you should…"

"Snip-snip, Tracey." Professor Oak made a scissors motion with his fingers.

Tracey quickly began typing. A large picture of Professor Oak appeared on the computer's screen.

"_Glorious Revolution_? What in the world is that? And why is there a picture of me and Delia on it?" Professor Oak read the text under the picture. "What? You mean that this is a web page about me?"

Tracey nodded. "It's pretty popular. Over four thousand hits so far."

Professor Oak continued scrolling down the page. "What? These people believe that me and Delia are…that we're…?"

Tracey nodded again. "Well, you do have to admit that the two of you spend an awful lot of time together." He clicked on the link titled "Portrait Gallery". "See?"

Professor Oak couldn't believe his eyes. There were dozens of pictures of him, Delia, and him and Delia together. And there was one with the strange title _Boxers vs. Briefs, Resolved!_

"Professor, wait! Don't click on that…"

Too late.

"…one."

And now Professor Oak knew where the picture on the calendar came from.

"Excuse me, gentlemen."

Tracey and Professor Oak whirled around to see Delia standing behind them. In her hand was a pen and a copy of _Hot Hunks of Kanto_.

She held out the pen to Professor Oak. "I was wondering if you'd sign your picture for me," she smiled. "It's not every day that I have a next-door neighbor who's a centerfold."

Professor Oak snatched the calendar from her. "Where did you get this?"

"At the bookstore in Celadon City. They had a whole stack of them piled to the ceiling," Delia replied. "People were snatching them up as soon as they could unload them. Matter of fact, I even bought one for you and stuck it in your mailbox this morning. I wanted to make sure you got one before they all disappeared."

"Oh no," Professor Oak moaned, wondering how many people in Pallet Town had already bought a copy of _Hot Hunks of Kanto. _

"Well, at least now we know where the calendar came from," said Tracey.

Professor Oak turned on him with a look of pure venom.

"I couldn't believe how many people were buying the calendar," Delia continued. "Matter of fact, I think I saw Professor Ivy when I was at the bookstore."

Professor Oak groaned and slumped onto the table, imagining what his colleagues were saying that very moment about his appearance in a beefcake calendar. 

Delia pushed the pen in his face. "So…will you autograph my calendar?"

"After I finish killing my assistant," he replied, pushing the pen aside. "Tracey, you're going to…" 

He turned around and discovered that Tracey had fainted dead away. 

Professor Oak sighed. "Liachu!" 

His pet Pichu appeared in the doorway with a happy cry. "Chu!"

Professor Oak pointed to the boy lying on the floor. "Liachu, go Thunderbolt Tracey awake. And don't stop until I tell you to."

"Pichu," Liachu nodded as she hopped on Tracey's chest and began zapping the unconscious boy repeatedly.

"You know, Samuel," Delia said, "I think it's pretty exciting having a next-door neighbor who's a centerfold."

Professor Oak stared at her in disbelief. "Exciting?"

"Oh, yes," Delia smiled at him. "I think you looked pretty hot in that picture. And I've always wondered if you were a boxers or briefs guy."

Professor Oak's mouth dropped open. "Delia, you've been imagining about how I look in my…my…?"

"And without them," Delia said with a mischievous grin. "Now I can hang this picture of you in my bedroom and fantasize about my hot hunk of Kanto."

Professor Oak eagerly grabbed the pen from Delia and signed the picture. 

"Well then, perhaps you'd like to have the real thing in your bedroom instead of just fantasizing about being with a centerfold," he said as he handed her back her pen.

Delia grinned. "Professor, I think it's time for you to perform some research with me."

Professor Oak's eyes lit up. Maybe this calendar business wasn't so bad after all.

And the two headed upstairs, blissfully ignoring the sounds coming from the lab on below.

"Liachu, I'm awake now…"

ZAP!

"Liachu, get off of me…"

ZAP!

"Liachu, stop it!"

ZAP!

"Liachu….Professor!!!"

THE END

****

Happy anniversary to Latonya Wright and her fantastic Eldershipper site, _Glorious Revolution_, which celebrates its first anniversary on September 23! And this fic is also dedicated to my fellow Eldershippers, without whom _Glorious Revolution_ wouldn't be the wonderful site it is today - you guys are the best!


End file.
